People write me often and ask me to write about this, and although it is a very touchy subject, please, if you are a mother reading this and you don't like it, I'm sorry...but I think the time is NOW to discuss it. The topic today is 'Meddling Mothers.' Do you have one? So many people do and quite honestly it is not a good thing and it is unhealthy. For some, it started when you were quite young. Some women tell me that they began writing in a diary at a young age. Every night these young ladies poured out all of their hopes, dreams and wishes into this wonderful little book,...ans why wouldn't you? This was your private place to go and keep a journal to look back on. Carefully, a little key was used to unlock all of your treasured secrets. This had a key for a reason....PRIVACY!
This was a personal part of you and who you were and it stayed safe. So what if one day, you came home from school or out shopping at the local mall with your girlfriends only to find your mother sitting on the side of your bed deeply engrossed in your diary? Invasion of privacy? You bet it is. Horrified, you rushed toward her and tried to take it away. However, she failed to see that she had done anything wrong. Instead, she wanted to discuss in detail this new boy that you liked, why you skipped class, or why you cheated off the boy next to you in Algebra class.
Listen.....to the moms who are reading this and this spells out YOU....my advice (and it is not professional) is to leave your kids alone. Stay out of their business. You didn't like your mother up in your ass so do you really think that your daughter wants you all up in hers? You didn't like your mother telling you who to date, or choosing your friends for you, so don't do this to your daughter! Allow her to make her own decisions. You have to give her some credit here and understand that she can think for herself. Might she makes some terrible mistakes? Oh sure she will, didn't you? We were not perfect and neither will out kids be. If they don't screw up once in a while how on earth will the make it through life as an adult? Stop trying to baby them!
To the young ladies that wrote to me asking for help on this one....Did you talk to your mothers about this? If you did and it did not go well, my guess would be that it made her start watching you like a hawk. Every day while you were at school, she was searching through your room to see what she could find, reading your notes, shaking your books, and clothes to see what fell out. Really? Isn't that a bit insecure as a parent? I understand that sometimes kids do things that might make us suspect as a parent that they are doing something very wrong or getting into trouble...even then, try talking to them first.
What happens is real simple. If you continue to be the meddling mother, the mom that wants to keep your kids around, the mom that wants you to bring your friends home to hang out and grill or watch movies, to concerts, to football games, etc., and if you are that kind of mother that isn't allowing her daughter to grow up and be herself, do you realize that you are cheating your child?
This is a mother who thinks that she has all the answers and that you don't know anything. Shame on you Mom...give your daughter some credit here. Let her go. Let her grow and learn on her own, and let her spend time with her friends or even a boyfriend. What you are doing is alienating her and in the long run, and believe me, she will hold it against you. If you want to keep your daughter close to you, back off and let her do her own thing for goodness sakes. She isn't 10 years old anymore, and you aren't her best friend, you are her mother...so be one!
As the daughter, sadly, enough, if something doesn't change and you don't put an end to your mothers behavior now, it will only get worse. I have heard this from story numerous women. There is no reason to sneak around or lie about your whereabouts so that your mother doesn't know. You can't hang out her her all the time and do what she wants you to do. You need to have your own space and your own life. When you were old enough to go away to college, she wanted you to go to a school nearby and live at home. If you didn’t agree to that, then she wouldn’t be paying for your college or she would use something else to threaten you...no help financially, or she would cut you off. You can't allow her to choose a mate for you either, that's not up to her. Oh.... It goes on and on.
What if you find a good job and have the opportunity to move out of state? My advice? GO! I grew up in a small town where I knew that if I wanted to make a difference, have a better life, and if I wanted to give my children a better life, I needed to get out. I married at 19 and lived 357 miles from home. I learned how to be a mother. I had a head start though on life and how I was going to raise my own children, and that was NOTHING like how I was raised. You see, I had a meddling mother. I loved her, yes, but I disagreed with a lot of things that she did, especially when it came time to raising me. What did I do? I stood my ground at age 16 and told her to back off. I raised my two children the complete opposite way that I was brought up. My kids will tell you today that we have a wonderful relationship. I have never tried to smother them, nor have I tried to get all in their business. Their rooms were private and I stayed out of their things.We are open and loving, BUT I don't meddle. I never have and I never will. I figured that if and when my kids want to talk to me about something they would. My children know that they could come to me with any problem big or small and somehow together we would fix it regardless of how bad it might even be. I stand by my two children regardless of the situation.
Now....let's forward to the present....You meet someone that you really like and fall in love with. Have you ever felt like your meddling mother was interrogating him and trying to interfere with (and most likely will sabotage) your entire relationship? Don't allow this to happen. You can make your own decisions. If you are a young adult and can pay your own bills, drive a car and make decisions, you are ready for life and can do it all without the help of your mother. It is not natural to know everything that your kids are doing. Don't smother them,trust me, it will back fire on you.
If this situation sounds like one that you are in:
The only way you’re ever going to be able to live your own life is to be financially stable, self-reliant and get as far away from your mother's meddling as possible for a while.You are going to have to minimize contact with her until the inevitable confrontation where either she respects you and your life choices or she doesn't. She must understand her past and present treatment of you is unacceptable. It’s important that you stand your ground no matter what her reaction is. A mother’s role in life is to guide, not smother and hold her child captive. You may need to remind her of that. The important thing is to not let your mother stop you from having the relationship and life of your dreams just because SHE doesn’t agree with your choices. This is about YOU, not her. Try to remember that. It was cute to watch in "Bewitched" and in "Monster-In-Law" but this is real life and it is YOUR LIFE. Tell her that you love her very much, but ask her to respect you as well as your privacy.
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