Are you newly single from a divorce and ready to start dating again? Are you nervous? Let me tell you a little story about divorce and dating...I divorced 13 years ago. I married my high school sweetheart. He was my true 'sweetheart' since age 16. We married at 19. Obviously I did not date a lot of guys in that time frame because I met 'the one.' We were married for 15 years and then the bottom fell out. I filed and our separation and divorce took another 2. The anticipation of dating new handsome men although alluring and intriguing as it seemed left me worried. I was terrified of men after the heartache that I had experienced, yet at the same time I was so excited to get out there and date.
Guess what? It wasn't as easy or as fun as I had hoped that it would be. Men were jerks and horn-dogs. All they wanted was to get in your britches, and believe me, that was just not happening! I had far too much respect for myself to let one guy think that he could sweet talk his way into my pants.
Being a single mother is not easy and anyone that says it is must be full of shit. It's hard work, dedication and much determination. There is an end in sight though...sometimes it's just real hard to see the forest through the trees. My kids meant the world to me and I would do anything to protect them. Even though I was hurting, I had to keep them from seeing my pain and I had to keep my yap shut. I had a great upbringing and my mother and both of my grandmothers told me to never ever badmouth their father in front of them. I am so glad that I took their advice. Sure I slipped up a few times, but for the most part I realized that they would form their own opinions as they aged. I made mistakes and was not perfect. I learned that communication in marriage is KEY and if you lose that, you might as well kiss your marriage goodbye! What did it feel like? Well that foundation that was so well constructed has just cracked and you begin to sink as if you are immersed in quick sand. That's what it felt like to me. Make sure... ladies that you take enough time after the divorce to figure out who you and and what is best for YOU. If there are children involved, you need to step up to the plate and put them first.
No man was going to meet my children unless we dated for a while and I felt comfortable with him. My kids did meet a few of then gentlemen but the relationships never lasted long past that. Somehow I always found fault with them. My daughter told me that I was looking for excuses to let them go. Maybe I was. Maybe this teenage young lady was reading me like a book? Could she be right?
Here it is 2012 and I am still single. I date, sure I do. Am I happy? You bet that I am. If and when the right man comes along that is right for me, so be it, but I am certainly NOT one of those women who would fall apart without a man in her life. I learned a lot about myself and became very independent. That scares some men, and the others are intimidated by me. Why? I have no idea. You would think that a man would love the mere thought of a woman being able to pretty much take care of herself. Many did not feel that way. Am I looking for perfection? No. Am I seeking security? No. Do I need a man to take care of me? No, at least not completely in the financial sense as some women do. Taking care of someone has a variety of meanings. There is a difference in having a man love you and want to do things for you, and one saying that you need him to survive or you would fall apart. Let me tell you something ladies....you won't fall apart. You pick yourself up by the shoestrings and you move forward. You may struggle, and you may cry a lot, but damn it you keep going. You are the role model for your children so get it together and act like an adult.
Dating is not easy for me. My kids are fully grown and I still look for reasons to ditch a man. Maybe I am one of those woman who will never find true happiness, although I hope that is not the case. For me it almost seems like a 'no strings' type of relationship would be best for me. Please do not misconstrue what I want from what I need. Don't 'you' misconstrue what you want from what you need either! My kids tell me often that as a single mom, I rocked. That was quite the feeling of accomplishment. For me, it was just being the best that I could be.
Are you ready to start dating again? Once you decide that you’re ready to date again, you have to realize that your approach to dating won’t be the same as it was in years past. As a single mother with children in the home, your dating decisions have to consider what works for them as well as for you. It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of finding a guy who wants to spend time with you before you think about how dating will be different as a single mom than it was as a single woman with no responsibilities.
The spur of the moment dating that you used to enjoy simply won’t work when you have to plan a babysitter or arrange for the kids to spend the night with friends. If the guy you’re interested in doesn’t have children, he may not understand how these roles can collide for you. As a single mom, you have to be careful about men that you bring into your children’s lives. They can get to know him and like him, only to lose contact with him when you break up a few months later. Or they may hate your new guy and feel threatened by the time he takes you away from them. In either case, you’re going to be pulled between them. Ever hear of the 'six month rule?'
Decide that you will keep dating casual and away from the children for at least six months. You need to tell the kids that you’re going out with friends, but don’t give too much information to them. For your protection, date in groups, with friends or co-workers and at large public events. As a mom, it’s your duty to keep yourself safe – and to make sure you aren’t allowing a psycho into your lives. Does it happen? Sure it does, just be careful and think of your kids safety first! Please make sure that you know this guy really well before you bring him into your children’s lives. Is he the man you think he is? Is he stable, dependable, honest and sincere? If he drinks, smokes, throws thing or swears, he’ll do the same around your children.
Would you be okay with your children repeating his behaviors? You can’t make excuses for his actions and discipline your children when they act the same way. It’s okay to want to find Mr. Right so that you can enjoy love and companionship that you’re missing now. Just realize that when you’re a single mom with children, you need more than Mr. Right, you need Mr. Right for Your Family! New beginnings are a good thing, BUT...take your time, there is no hurry. My grandmother used to always tell me that "Good things come to those who wait." For now...I wait. Are you a single mother?
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