I Love You...I'm Just Not In Love with You

Why do people cheat, and when they do, how is it that we just don't see it? Is the writing on the walls? Is divorce the next mid-life hurdle you'll face? what happened to vows and "until death do you part?" Life as we know it is changing and the writing is all over the wall, but we just can't see the forest through the trees to realize what is going on,..until it is too late. Almost daily I encounter those entangled in a kind of extramarital affairs. Whether it be at work, with a friend or neighbor, or even a relative, we hear of this and I ask why? How can and does this happen? Where do you go from a happy marriage to sharing a bed with someone else? In society today, we dress differently than we did 25 years ago when I was married, we act differently and we flirt more. Back in the day, I had no internet, and there were no dating sites, it was all casual meetings while out with fellow coworkers, or friends if and when that interaction developed. When you take that one step further...that  is when it goes from harmless fun to the danger zone! Most often it is someone else. Generally the cheating or "offending" spouse/partner has encountered someone where there are "sparks" and it escalates from there.

So why do people fall out of love? When does it happen, and why don't we see it? The answer is; we are too in love with that person and far too blind to see it, so when it smacks up dead on in the face we are 100% shocked.  That really doesn't make it any easier when they come to you and say that it is over. If you have ever experienced this as I have, you will know that it felt like someone ripped your heart out through your back. The pain and emotional state is devastating to say the least. So, how does this occur? 

 Here are common phrases: (to the spouse) "I love you but am just not 'in love' with you. Have you ever heard those words uttered to you? If you have, then you know exactly how this feels. The romance in our marriage is gone. I found someone who really loves me." (self thoughts) "I don't want to settle. I have a lot of love to give. He/she treats me like no one else. I feel special with the other person." The "offended spouse" often responds with increased or new romantic gestures. They fall flat. Sadly, at the core of this kind of affair is a deeply ingrained belief that "romance" is the savior and benchmark of a great marriage or intimate relationship. Nope, communication is and always has been key.,,when you lose that my friend, your marriage is way past saving in my own personal opinion. What makes it worse is when there are children involved. They tend to think that it is their fault and as broken hearted as we are, we need to put our feelings on the back burner to see them through this mess.

Here are some reflections on romance and affairs from an article I read recently: (along with my 2 cents!)

1. "Romance" is subtly touted in our culture (USA) as the ultimate experience in an intimate relationship. Romance is idealized in movies and books as the ecstasy of being "in love." We can't get enough (hugely profitable grocery counter tabloids) of which "stars" are currently "in love" with whom. And, it often does not matter (really) if the are married. Oh gosh, to be like that, to experience that. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Call me pathetic, but I wouldn't want to be in a celebrities shoes for nothing! No thank you!

2. Romantic movies are often called "romantic comedies." Ever wonder why they are so funny or why they should be? Or, at the other end, romantic movies are tragedies (Romeo and Juliet). How about "Bridges of Madison County" where the woman and man (Clint Eastwood) never get at the huge "emptiness" in their lives? Ever see a "real" romantic movie? I like the Pretty Woman type movies, the Cinderella type if you will....I think that those certain types of movies give all women something to grasp onto...that love can really happen to them just like that! Being the romantic connoisseur that I am, I I get intrigued when I hear of people like myself who still believes...even after heart ache when the bottom falls out of a marriage.

3. The search for romance whether through an affair or within our marriage often belies powerful personal needs. It has little to do with love and more to do with getting our personal needs met. Most of us have strong needs such as to be acknowledged, adored, cared for or perhaps cherished. Another powerful need is to feel "special." This is often the pattern for a man overindulged by his mother, or a woman who was the "apple of her father's eye," yet was emotionally deprived in that relationship.

Romance becomes the vehicle through which these needs are supposedly met without needing to name those needs or talk about them. (Gosh, he/she knows what I want before I do - he/she can read my mind. He/she/we are special!) Don't get me wrong. Personal needs are OK. We all have them. Personal needs drive, often powerfully, what we go after. But, and this is a huge but, if we do not consciously name them and get them met once and for all (and that can be done!) they continue to drive us and we live perpetually in frustration, always wanting more. Once we move beyond the merry-go-round of personal need meeting we discover our personal passion, our purpose and reach down and touch the essence of real joy and peace.

4. Romance is for mating. Sex (sexual union) is often the bottom line. The "chemistry" described in "romantic love" we are finding, is truly that - raw chemistry. Studies now show (just read this last week) that those "in love" have a high concentration of specific endorphins (chemicals) in their bodies. These are the chemicals found when animals are in "heat." I also believe that we run into 2-3 people in our life-time where we experience this "chemistry." I have no idea why this happens. There appears to be some attraction, based on a huge number of factors that stir our juices - literally. Interesting. But, doesn't mean that I must jump into bed with this person. Maybe some animals do, however.

5. A person seeking romance is often someone looking for a high. They want to feel good. They expect they should feel good. They believe they should jump on something that feels good. They want the pill, the drug, the retreat, the experience that will take away their pain, their emptiness, their loneliness and make them feel good. Of course, it is only temporary. The nagging pain continually emerges and their eternal search for quelling the storm within seeks a new substance. Most often, when this occurs, our worlds are shattered and our marriages end up in divorce. My question is this? Is anything safe anymore, and does real love still exist? Time heals our hearts, but it takes forever to truly trust again.

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