Just about every day on a daily basis, I encounter those embodied in a kind of extramarital affair I describe as "I Fell Out of Love...and just love being in love." Can one fall out of love? You be they can. Does it hurt, oh hell yes it does...so what causes this, and what can you do so that it never happens to you? Well, first of all, never say never. I made this mistake... it's when you think that it cannot happen to you that it does. It's when you think it will happy to Sally or Claire, and then it happens to YOU! What happened? You lost communication somewhere in your relationship and love slipped away as quickly as it crept into your life. Lost the romance, the thrill is gone, the flame went out...The cheating or "offending" spouse has encountered someone where there are "sparks!"
Here are common phrases: (to the spouse) "I love you but am not 'in love' with you. The romance in our marriage is gone. I found someone who really loves me." (self thoughts) "I don't want to settle. I have a lot of love to give. He/she treats me like no one else. I feel special with the other person."
The "offended spouse" often responds with increased or new romantic gestures. They fall flat.
At the core of this kind of affair is a deeply engrained belief that "romance" is the savior and benchmark of a great marriage or intimate relationship.
Here are some reflections on romance:
1. "Romance" is advertised in our culture as the ultimate experience in an intimate relationship. Romance is idealized in movies and books as the ecstasy of being "in love." We can't get enough (hugely profitable grocery counter tabloids) of which "stars" are currently "in love" with whom. And, it often does not matter (really) if the are married. Oh gosh, to be like that, to experience that. Wouldn't that be wonderful?
2. Romantic movies are often called "romantic comedies" for a reason." Ever wonder why they are so funny or why they should be? Or, at the other end, romantic movies are tragedies (Romeo and Juliet). Julia Roberts and Richard Gere in Pretty Woman. When Harry Met Sally, The Notebook, and even Cinderella... Ever see a "real" romantic movie? People see romance in a variety of ways.
3. The search for romance whether through an affair or within our marriage often taint powerful personal needs. It has little to do with love and more to do with getting our personal needs met. Most of us have strong needs such as to be acknowledged, adored, cared for or perhaps cherished. Another powerful need is to feel "special. Romance becomes the vehicle through which these needs are supposedly met without needing to name those needs or talk about them. Don't get me wrong. Personal needs are all right. We all have them. Personal needs drive, often powerfully, what we go after. But, and this is a huge but, if we do not consciously name them and get them met once and for all they continue to drive us and we live perpetually in frustration, always wanting more.Once we move beyond the merry-go-round of personal need meeting we discover our personal passion, our purpose and reach down and touch the essence of real joy and peace. Are you getting the picture here? Life isn't perfect, and like a yoyo, we all have or ups and our downs. We just need to learn how to balance our romance and talk about things when they bother you.
4. Romance is it a teaser for mating? True....Sometimes sex is the bottom line. The "chemistry" described in "romantic love" we are finding, is truly that - raw chemistry. Studies now show that those "in love" have a high concentration of specific dorphins (chemicals) in their bodies. These are the same chemicals found when animals are in "heat."I also believe that we run into a few people in our life-time where we experience this "chemistry." I have no idea why this happens. There appears to be some attraction, based on a huge number of factors that stir our juices - literally. Interesting. But, doesn't mean that I must jump into bed with this person. Maybe some animals do, however.
5. A person seeking romance is often someone looking romantic rush. Some call it a romance high, I call it a romantic rush. Why? They want to feel good. They expect they should feel good. They believe they should jump on something that feels good. They want the pill, the drug, the experience that will take away their pain, their emptiness, their loneliness and make them feel good. They what the obsession. Obsessions are good and bad...they are healthy, and yet so very unhealthy. Romance your partner whether it be in bed or on the dining room table. Keep the spark alive, thats how to build romance...it's the erotic love that keep us from falling out of love...
No comments:
Post a Comment