Showing posts with label single mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label single mom. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Being a Single Mom...It's Not Easy

 Being a single mom is not at all easy, and anyone who tells you it is quite frankly is living in some sort of la-la-land! If anyone would have told me when I was younger that I would end up taking on the role of single parenting half way through my life I would have thought that they were crazy. My true intentions were to be a loving wife and mother and a stay at home mom at best. Sometimes life throws us a curve ball and it doesn't go the way we had intended it to.

So what does one do besides cry and feel as if her world was turned upside down? You suck it up sister and you go full throttle pushing forward. You find what makes you a better person and you get skilled, you take classes and then you show determination while seeking out what would work best for you and your child(children). This is a whole new way of life, so buckle up and be prepared for a bumpy ride, because as much as I would love to tell you otherwise and inform you that life is a bowl of cherries and everything is going to be peachy, truth be told, it is hard core being a single mom, so please....let's not sugar coat it.

Being a single mother is not something that one learns. It is something like that of a technique that one must develop. We make mistakes, we get upset. We are the one that our children blame for all of the wrong doings and praise when we do good deeds pertaining to them. This role is not one that you can study up on. It is not something that you enter into lightly. It's a lot of hard work. There were days that I laughed so hard I cried, and then there were days when my children made me cry so hard that I had to laugh, for if I did not, I would have caved in and crumbled. As a single mom, we need to be the calm, cool, and collective one. We have to lead the way. We are the one that has to take ownership of all our the responsibilities. Whether what we do is right or wrong, we are scrutinized by our children.

Being a single mom by choice can have its advantages. There are many women out there who have decided to raise kids on their own. It is not always the easiest thing to do, but it can be a very rewarding experience for the mother. First, living independently can build loads of confidence in a woman. Being able to support her own family and run her own household is a really great experience. Not only does she get to make her own rules and do things her own way, but she also gets to raise her kids the way she wants to without any disagreements from a spouse. If this is the single parenting via a divorce, yes, you still have to deal with the ex-spouse, BUT you take on a new direction, a new way of life, and a new beginning for yourself and your kiddo(s).

There are many so very things that a woman has to consider when being a single mom by choice. The key is to gather your thoughts, and get a grasp on what you about to enter into. What does this mean? Use your nugget and think! She has to realize the importance of keeping a budget. When there is only one income coming into a household, keeping and sticking to a budget is vital. The single mom needs to be sure that she can keep a roof over her child's head, the lights on and a warm shelter when it is cold. She needs to be able to feed and provide for her children, so her freedom of spending money is very limited. If she is used to a lavish life style like so many women are, you'd better think about this one and restructure your budget. If you are aware of this it won't be bad at all. If you go into this nonetheless thinking it is going to be a walk in the park, oh Mary Poppins have you been drinking way too much of that supercalifragilisticexpialidocious stuff. It is not an easy task, but you can do it! You may need to restructure your entire life/life style, however it is within reason.

Being a single mom allows you to have extra bonding time with your kids. Although, a two parent home is ideal, single moms can focus all of their attention on their children without having to share their time. Also, there is less arguing in the household for children to witness like a home with two parents. There is no chance of undermining when it comes to discipline and expecting respect from her children, because she is the only parent and therefore what she says, goes.

 It can be a wonderful experience being a single mom, however, there needs to be other things added to her life as well that children just can't provide. This is where setting equal time between her children and herself is important. It can get very tiring when a mom does it all by herself, therefore taking some time out for herself is exactly what she needs to boost herself back up again to be the proud single parent that she is.

 Are you entitled to get involved again in another relationships?  Sure you are, but pay close attention; The complexities of getting into a relationship with someone other than your child's father are the subject of a whole different blog post. Maybe even a book. To sum things up, there is the question of when and how to explain the relationship to your child; how much time your new boyfriend should spend around your child; balancing time with your boyfriend along with time with your child. It's a never-ending juggling act and it is not easy.Notice I didn’t say being a single parent is easy. Even in a two parent household parenting is still difficult. I said it wasn’t so bad. And it isn’t. But just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it can’t be done or shouldn’t be done at all. If that were case no one would do anything ever.

What do I like best about the role? Many things, but this is what I like best of all;

 There is NO ONE to undermine my authority. When I say the word, it's the word. When I call out, "Bedtime," there was no one to say, "Hey, let them stay up another half hour." When I said "you're grounded" I meant exactly that...(those words; 'you're grounded'... I really never did use because my kids and I had that type of relationship where as they knew that I meant business and that their ass was grass if they lied, or did what they weren't supposed to do.) There is a line that you must draw between being the friend and the mother, and in the end, the mother card is so much more powerful. Your child(children) don't need another friend, they have plenty. They need a stern mother who is going to be the backbone and the leader. It's a big responsibility to make all the choices yourself, but decision making is a big responsibility whether you're married or single.

When you're single, you understand how enormous your charge is and you take it more seriously because you know there isn't anyone else around to defer to. My non-professional advice? Pay attention to your children. Give them love, and lots of it. Your needs are now on the back burner, so get used to being the giver and no longer the taker. You'll go without, you'll feed them first, and you'll work countless jobs to give them the lifestyle that they so deserve because you want them to realize some day not what you did for them, rather how much they meant to you to have changed your entire way of life. Some day, when you least expect it, they will give back. Don't believe me? Ask my children, my son and my daughter. They took me to Hawaii for a week in April 2012 to show me their love and appreciation. For all the nights as a single, divorced mom that I laid awake crying wondering if I made the right choice I say to you now; Hell Yes I did!My kids are my rock and I would not be the woman I am today without the two of them.



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Thursday, July 19, 2012

Single Motherhood...and Dating Again

In today's society, and especially since my divorce over 13 years ago, I have learned that dating is not all that it is cracked up to be. It's stressful, and it makes me tired. You feel over worked, under medicated, and your body learns to run on caffeine!For some women after divorce, they want to take time to be alone. For many they need to regroup and reevaluate their life.  I needed to take the time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Now that I am on my own after years of playing the single mom role I am trying new things, and discovering a whole new ME. My children are grown and on their own enjoying life and following their happiness and their dreams, just as I raised them to. This mom is following hers just the same. I wanted to take a few minutes to share with all of you some tips for dating a 'single mom.'

If you're single and have children, let's face it...dating can be somewhat challenging. However, it's possible to be a great parent and still enjoy taking part in dating and developing close relationships with other adults. You have to make time for YOU! 

Read this and try these dating tips for single parents:

1. Vow to keep your parenting life and your dating life separate until appropriate. Consider your dating life as an activity you do the occasional evening as an adult social activity. It's not a meat market race to find your next husband. Take the time to really find who is right for you and who your children might like as well.

2. Strive to achieve a certain balance in your life. Ensure that how you spend your time on a day-to-day basis demonstrates your life's priorities. This is key to many men as they will want to see some form of independence in you. No man wants a clingy woman with a track record of loser men from her past. No drama mama is what I am trying to say....

3. Avoid involving your children with everyone you date. One of the most difficult things for a child after his parents separate is being exposed too soon to a parent's "new" partner.Kids don't need to know who this man/woman is UNLESS it begins to get serious. Introducing your kids to too many dates will only confuse them and make you look like a loose cannon floozie!
  • Protect your kids from uncomfortable feelings by not involving them with your dates.
  • Recognize that, even if you really like someone you've gone out with 2 or 3 times, you don't know for sure at that point that the relationship will "work out" and become long-term. If you involve your child and it doesn't work out, your child is again placed in the vulnerable position of feeling rejected, left behind and hurt.
4. Set limits regarding dating and parenting efforts with your children. Be upfront and honest about how much time you'll spend with someone you date.Your family comes first, they are your #1 priority. Don't forget that.
  • For example, if you feel you can't be out past a certain time or can't go out two nights in a row because of your parenting duties, be open about it. Doing so shows you're clear and confident about what's important to you.
5. Share your feelings with the person you're dating. If you're disappointed you're unable to spend more time with the person you're dating, tell them.Otherwise they may think that you are looking for an easy way out.
  • Also, this way, they'll know what you're going through and hopefully grow to understand your position as a parent who's striving to have a healthy social life.
6. Let your kids know that they're your first priority!!!!!!!!!!!!! Regardless of just telling them so, demonstrate through your behavior that you love your kids and are interested in all their activities.Don't stop being a mom. Your job, dear, is NEVER done. You took that oath when you have your children. A mothers job is never finished and you will be the rock that they lean on always, so get it right.
  • Make a major effort to attend your kids' school functions and extracurricular activities, such as sports, dance and music recitals.
7. Every now and again.... talk with your children in general about your dating life. Tailor your talk based on the age of your children.
  • Explain that you like to have fun with other adults and that there will be times that you go out with friends.I'm sure that they'll want you to be happy. (My kids pushed me to date and get out. Don't sit at home when you can be out meeting new people, but at the same time, once you meed someone, don't forget your family obligations.)
  • Let them know a couple of days in advance that you'll be going out and share your plans with them to a certain extent. They don't need to know everything, but this way t assures them that you are in control of your life.
8. Your time out can be an opportunity to make life interesting and fun for your kids. For example, occasionally, let them stay over with Grandma and Grandpa or at your sisters, or BFFs when you have a date. Your kids most likely enjoy spending time with family or your friends.
  • Or find a teenager close by that you know and trust. Usually, kids love to have teenagers for babysitters.
  • As long as you know the kids will be well cared for and safe, make the time they spend without you fun.
This is your new time to shine....so enjoy life and dating! Don't make it a chore, make it a new experience! You can truly enjoy this time of your life. Even though you're a parent, you can set aside time to date. Make an effort to balance your single-parenting life and your dating life. You'll be happy that you did. Being a single mother is not easy, but it is rewarding, and you too will survive just as I did. Enjoy your family...they are your life, and they will become a reflection of YOU, so show them what good parenting is all about.




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