Is This Love?

Have you ever wondered to yourself "Is this Love?" Like the old Whitesnake song you have to wonder sometimes if it is love or is it an addiction? Some people confuse the two. I'll share with you what I'd learn, and by no means am I an expert, but I have loved in the past, so I think I know what I'm talking about.

There are many kinds of love, but what this article is concerned with is that form of love usually known as 'romantic love' or 'true love'. So what is romantic love and why do we need to define it?
So often we come across the scenario that a man or woman in a relationship is asking him or herself the question: "Is it love?" So, how can someone tell? Well, does it have a hold on you? Does it keep you up at night thinking about this person? Is it like that of a feeling you've not experience in the past? Do you get anxious to see this person? If so, this is possibly love. Give it time, and nurture it so that it will grow into something spectacular.

If you rush it, and start acting nuts, your partner may associate you with a stalker or nut job...don't chase this person away. Nothing comes when you hurry. My grandmother used to always tell me that love will happen when you least expect it. Well Baba, it's been 13 years, and I am about to give up here...so if you have someone in mind, please send him to be before I'm too old to do fun things!

For some it takes a long time...for others it can happen in the blink of an eye! There are many couples whose relationship has begun in this way, but mere physical attraction, however strong, is not enough in itself to provide a basis for a lifelong relationship. This brings us on to the real heart of the question "what is love" -- what is it that enables us to have a long-term, even lifelong, relationship with another human being? What differentiates love from an addiction you wonder? Gals, lets hope it's love...you don't want some crazy ass stalker boyfriend on your hands.

Love Addiction: What Is True Love?

In a fully loving relationship, mutuality and trust are the themes. Each partner is secure in his and her own sense of worth and believes the other has a right to grow and expand. Their have an immense level of confidence and it shows. They trust one another. They don't need their partner to call them every day or every few hours. Some women get angry if a man doesn't call. Back off gals, this is the fastest way to lose your man. With real true love, each encourages and provides room for that growth to become a better person. This means that you care for someone besides yourself, as in real love,...you should.

While you and your partner share many things, you may very well have separate interests and other friends of both sexes. Neither of you is threatened by the investment in and maintenance of meaningful friendships, realizing that each friendship enriches your love relationship. It also means both of you have the ability to enjoy your own solitary company, that being alone is not about rejecting the lover but a recognition that each is a whole person, not two halves of a whole, with your own unique needs and patterns of living.

Secure in each others love, you are able to respect each others boundaries. Each is trusting and trustworthy. You both work at preserving the others sense of integrity. Most of all, there is a willingness to risk yourself in the relationship, to be real, to be honest. In short, the hallmark of a loving relationship is the ability to be true to oneself while honoring and respecting the others unique being.

If this describes your relationship, congratulations! You go girlfriend! Nurture and celebrate your love! If, on the other hand, most of the above - or even some of it - doesn’t ring true, consider that you may be locked into an addictive relationship. What's that you ask, I'd be happy to share with you what we're learned.

Here are the characteristics:

Love Addiction: Are You In An Unhealthy Relationship?

In an addictive love relationship, insecurity and dependency are the themes. Be very careful here....you are treading on thin ice.One or both of the partners is characterized by total, all-encompassing involvement with the love interest, a sense that no one else and nothing else is important or meaningful in life. The addicted lover gauges the intensity of need for the partner as a proof of love. They want more, more, more. Their insecurities rise if they don't get this. They question if you really care for them. Why? No confidence possibly?

In fact, this may be borne more out of fear or loneliness than out of love. Everything else is put on hold in service to the needs and wants of the lover. Old friends are neglected and previous interests abandoned. Because one partner’s desires are suspended for the other, a sense of self-deprivation develops as a sign of love. Most people are confused by this. Are you preoccupied with your lover’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings leads to dependency on his or her approval. One’s own sense of identity and self-worth are reflected in the lover’s reactions. Expressing honest emotions and real thoughts are too risky.





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Life,...A Strong Dose of Reality

Have you ever in your life felt as if you were part of a family, yet you didn't seem to fit in? Have you ever felt as if you were stuck in the middle, sort of like how they say when you die, you your spirit lingers before it leaves this earth? You feel as if you are caught in the middle of two worlds. Welcome to my world! At age 19, I thought I knew it all. I was too smart to listen to my parents while theoretically did nothing but love me, nurture me and raise myself and my siblings, a younger brother and a younger sister to the best of their ability. We learned by the grace and love from them as well as our grandparents how to love and respect others. This is great because little did we know then that when we grew up, because adults and stepped into the "real world" what life was about to throw our way. Life as I knew if in my own naive world, a world similar to LaLa Land was about to be tarnished forever. I was about to get my first strong dose of reality, one that I will carry with me forever.

When I married at 19, I left home and moved to Michigan. There I was away from my family and learning how to care for a new family, "my own family." I lived in Michigan for some 24 years and certainly experienced my share of ups and down, but with the grace of God watching out for me as I believe I've used up too many of my 9 lives, never let me down. Having faith is the key. Without it, you have nothing. My grandmother used to always say "Michele God doesn’t give you anything that he doesn't think you can handle!" Ok, for a while that say with me all right, but after the divorce, the attack on my life, and cancer 4 times in the past year, you sort of have to ask yourself "When is enough, enough?" When will I get my break?

For a long time I thought I was being punished. After years of not feeling like I fit in, being the black sheep of the family, I realized that really, I didn't fit in. Perhaps it was because I married and moved away so young? Maybe it was because I was so different than my siblings? I used to spend a lot of time, (days in fact) at my grandparents house (Baba and Dedo.) through out life nothing came easy for me, except being loved. That was the gift that so few get to experience and so many take for granted. Love, one of the most precious of gifts had gifted me, and I then realized that my place in this world was to love others and spread the love.

At young ages my kids were given less for Christmas as their gifts from me. After the divorce 13 years ago, I needed to show my children the world and let them experience life, first in their own back yard, and then in other countries where they would see firsthand how bad others really do have it. At 14 and 12 years of age, I made them surrender a gift at Christmas that they wanted and I donated the money that would have been spent on it on families who had very little for Christmas. They did this and it made them feel good. Afterwards, they actually wanted to do more. This was music to my ears, so we did. We donated to homeless shelters; we helped to stock food pantries all the while knowing that we had nothing to eat in ours. Single mother with low paying job didn't get us much, but when you had the bond that we did, you really didn't need much.

Now as my kids are grown, I find them doing things on their own without me to lend a hand to those who need it. My son donates clothes and volunteers for any kind of fashion shows that raise awareness and monies for those who need it. My daughter volunteered at the Children’s Cancer Hospitals in Houston Texas, where she got her employer, a large oil company to donate generously and contribute funds to allow her marketing and sales team the opportunity to make holiday baskets for this family and for these children knowing in all reality that these kids would not be coming home. Sad that you are put on this earth and for such a very short time. My daughter said that nothing touched her heart more and filled her with sadness than to see these children with cancer on their final destination. As difficult as this was for her, she continues to do work for them out of love. She also has, like myself a special place in her heart for Shelters for battered and abused women. She donates business attire and whatever else these women and children need whenever they need it because 12 years ago, a bunch of strangers helped me and my children. I truly believe in karma, and I say most definitely, PAY IT FORWARD!!!

I was violently attacked and beaten in the year 2000 at my office by an intruder. It made me a victim until I refused to let this horrible man who did this to me win. I went to counseling and a very special woman who I met with twice a week brought me back to reality and gave me life again...this time a renewed life. While I laid on a cement floor getting the crap beaten out of me, I prayed not to let me die,...and my prayers were answered. I am here today because I had the faith and the courage to fight and not be a statistic. My daughter and son lived with me as I was black and blue from head to toe for 11 weeks. They sat while I went through surgeries for nerve damages in my hand, with blurred vision and hearing loss due to a severe ear drum nearly being shattered. As painful as this day February 10th still is to me, I now look at it as a second chance at life. The moral of this story here is this: Life is not permanent. You can be taken away tomorrow. Always remember to tell your loved ones how deeply you care for them and say "I love you!" This was my new beginning, my opportunity to make my life right.

What did I get out of this all you wonder? Well, as I sat here pondering just what I would say and how I would share this with you, it dawned on me. I attribute all of who I am to my family. I am the woman who is strong, and no longer weak....the woman who is independent never again to be codependent. I am the caring, loving woman who left home at such a young age to start my own family and missed out on the one I left behind....I believe I have been giving a second chance to start anew and catch up on 28 year of history that I never had the opportunity to know other than short weekend visits.

To my parent who never stop amazing me, I say "Wow" they should be patting themselves on the back for raising 3 awesome kids who turned out better than great. To the grandparents that have since perished who left impressions on me that will live forever. To an aunt of mine who gives me much strength and determination to be a better person, and who is probably the only only one besides my children that still laugh at Babas goofy sayings and quotes. To my children both of whom saved me in more ways than one when I felt I had nowhere to go, and no one to turn to, they are my rock, and I attribute all of whom I have become to these two wonderful young adults; they taught me to be patient and how to appreciate life and all that is truly has to offer. I look at them sometimes and it's as if I am looking in the mirror; to my brother and sister who I love more than anything and hope to reacquaint myself with now that I am back, and hopefully drive them a little crazy. (Hey, I have some catching up to do) They turned into two really great people, married and are happy with their spouses and their families. My brother-in-law "Tim" whom I call "Nancy" (inside joke) but he knows I love him. He is the best brother-in-law a gal could wish for. He makes me laugh. He's a doctor and he is so smart.My sister-in-law who after years of not knowing at all, now I am beginning to see that she clearly loves her family and would do anything for them. Last but not least....we always save the best for last....My little sister, who is 8 years younger than me. I feel as if I left behind at such a young age. I didn;t get to see her go to prom, or on her first date, and I was never here to stand up for her when someone picked on her.To the woman who still looks 16 and has a heart the size of Texas, I say "I love you" and we have much making up to do. I'm not sure if she will ever know how proud I am of her for her education, and all of her accomplishments, but I truly am. She was such an inspiration to me with her business savvy ways, her spunk, determination and her stubborn streak...perhaps I got my energy from her? At any rate...She rocks!

What I realized is that life doesn’t get better than this. Material objects make us happy, sure. But you can’t take them with you, and if you could heaven would need a very large storage closet. I realized that 1) I never needed a man to make me happy, I thought that I did, but I didn’t. 2) Accept the things that we cannot change and grant us the strength to move forward having learned some very good lessons about love and life, and 3) Respect others as you would want them to respect you. 4)  Follow the path of destiny. 5) Love yourself for all that you are good and the bad and realize that everyone makes mistakes, for if we didn’t we would never learn. 6) Life, I have learned is like playing roulette. It is a gamble. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. But if you don't try, you'll never know.

 'What' and 'If" the two most nonthreatening words,...both harmless as can be, but but them together; combined and they could haunt you for the rest of your life..... What If?

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How Will I Know...If He Really Loves Me?

Both women and men for years and years have asked the same question that our grandparents asked: "How will I know?" Well, in todays society, love is a two way street. It takes two to make a relationship and two to break it. Most often, it is not one sided. Love conquers all. Some will tell you that they stay clear from it and as Bonnie Tyler sang it best.... "It's a Heartache" nothing but a heartache. So, the question at hand is this; How will I know if he really loves me? Well, don't ask Whitney Houston, we all know how her relationship with Mr Bobby Brown turned out...my advice...follow your heart and listen to your gut. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. I've taken the liberty to dig up some questions and answers to the top worries we have in relationships....I thought you might want to take a lookie.



1.  If you observe his actions rather than his words, what have you learned?  You know they always say that actions speak louder than words. Is he nice, and kind and caring...or does he mistreat animals, talk down to the wait staff at restaurants when you go on dates, or act prejudice? Pay close attention...both men and women are silent threats....but actions sound our horn loud and clear. I have built in radar. My kids always laughed at me when I said that while they were growing up, but I always knew when something didn't feel right. Use your better judgement. If it feels wrong, it probably is. Like a leopard, sooner than later his true colors will show, and these are some serious spots you'll want to stay clear from if this is the case.

2.  Does he constantly treat you with respect or does he do so sparingly and inconsistently?  People who are truly in love know this... treating the one you love with respect is a full time duty!
You cannot pick and choose the time and place to be kind, considerate, and respectful.  He is either respectful full-time or he is not.  It really is that simple.  He is not entitled to pick and choose!


3.  In your relationship, are you treated as an equal partner?   Listen sister...you damn straight should be! When someone really loves you, they treat you as an equal partner - as a person who has an equal voice in your relationship. Your voice does matter...and if your partner thinks that it doesn't....cut your losses and walk away now. If he makes the significant decisions in your relationship and relegates you to following his directives, then he really does NOT love you.  In the best loving relationships between a man and a woman, both share equally in the relationship.


4.  When you are in love, you can't imagine life without him!  So try this question on him - "Honey, do you love me more than life itself?  Can you imagine life without me?"  If his answer makes you wonder about the depth of his commitment to you, he doesn't truly love you.  He is not the man you should commit your life to!


5.  People who truly love each other say it and live it daily!  Does he tell you he loves you?  Does he do it without prodding?  Does his love for you come naturally, repeatedly, and frequently? The truth of the matter is this - when you love someone, you tell them.  And don't fall for that old line that goes like this - "I don't need to tell her I love her because she knows."  This notion is just plain wrong!  If he doesn't tell you, then your relationship is in trouble and in my own words... "Houston, We have a Problem!" My advice is don't wait until it becomes an issue....watch for signs and talk about it.


6.  I trust him more that life itself. Your trust in him is unequivocal and without hesitation.
Here is the question of the day - Is the man you purport to love a man you trust without question?  If the answer is no, then you need to reconsider the question, does he really love me? It's not  hard to do...and this is not a multiple choice question. He either loves you or he doesn't! End of discussion.


7.  In the end, if he really loves you, he is always there for you - through the good times and the bad.  When somebody loves you, they love you through thick and thin.  They love you without conditions.  They love you when you are at your best and when you are at your worst.
When you are really in love, he makes you feel good and you do the same for him. You are stronger because he is a part of your life.  He makes you excited about where your relationship is going. It's a positive reality!


Remember...The measure of his love for you is always, in the end, about consistency.  When you love someone, you cannot pick and choose the times you show you care, when you express love, and when you demonstrate your affection for the one you love.  If his love for you is conditional, sporadic, and only comes when the times are good, you have to answer yourself this simple question - does he really and truly love me?  You decide....and that my friend....is HOW YOU KNOW!

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